My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
