What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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