i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
