My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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