Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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