I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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