then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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