dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
