So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
