you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize