there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
