Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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