my phone needs a breathalizer
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize