grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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