Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
