I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
