2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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