is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize