I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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