Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he was CRYING into my vagina
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
