we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
