i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Are my feet made of real feet?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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