true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
