How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
