I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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