Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
whose parrot is this?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
