I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
