Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Boobs speak an international language.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
