Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
