allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
