An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
