so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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