Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
