Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
