when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
