I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
that's an acceptable place to lick
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
