Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
