Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
