you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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