it's too hot outside to masturbate.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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