Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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