awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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