I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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