he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
