What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
