The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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