Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
