So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Farmville is her only friend.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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