you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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