just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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