I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
