you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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