My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
