im having a threesome with these popsicles
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
