They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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