The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
