I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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