it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dick very happy bro
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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