the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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