i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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