I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize