theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
