I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize