maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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