At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
